In Loving Memory

Carole Kanny

Sept 1953 - April 2020

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“I’ve gone through many, many things. I tell you something, that if it doesn’t kill you, you get stronger.”

- Judy Collins

A Look Back At Carole's Life

Describe Carole in 3 words

Strong Good Friend

What’s a fond memory or story you have about Carole you’d like to share?

Sitting in her kitchen in the winter drinking coffee in front of her light box. Ours was an unlikely friendship that grew from our temple in Port, PJC. I will never forget one of my first Progressive Dinners at her house with her sons as the wait staff. We became besties after that and Jeff was as close to an older brother my son Jason had since his siblings were little sisters. Our favorite saying to each other was “It is what it is” and it was. I will miss her and even her very very long texts. Rest In Peace.

If you could say one more thing to Carole, what would you say?

Sushi or Indian tonight?

From Gail T.

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Describe Carole in 3 words

Firstly, determined and smart.

What’s a fond memory or story you have about Carole you’d like to share?

There were many roles I fulfilled at the LIAF but bringing in volunteers to help the organization was my favorite.Carole worked passionately for our programs. Sometimes she would forget that I also was a volunteer and she would let me know her opinion of how things should be.Her accident was such a tragedy. I am glad I was able to spend some time with her while she was in Rehab.Carole, I know you are in Heaven but please be gentle on God. RIP.

From Janet S.

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Describe Carole in 3 words

Deeply seeing everything

What’s a fond memory or story you have about Carole you’d like to share?

Standing on the corner of Bedford Park Boulevard by Bronx Science in 1968 and beginning to realize who Carole was.

If you could say one more thing to Carole, what would you say?

Hey Candy!

What else would you like to say?

Dear Jeff, Thank you for allowing me to share your wonderful and thoughtful tribute to your Mom. Those photos are amazing. I remember seeing those crazy 1960’s stripped slacks in one of the photos and recall your Mom playing that guitar! It seemed so large for her. I am so glad to learn that you had been playing Judy Collins’ music for her. I know your Mom felt a very special closeness to Judy and had met her once after the accident backstage and would find her way to some of her more intimate performances. It was nice to see photos of your grandfather also. Carole told me repeatedly how much she loved her father.Finally, the grace with which you describe Carole’s life and, especially, her marriage to Gil and the devolution thereof, is profound and deeply touching to me. Your perspective, emotional maturity and your emotional generosity are amazing, as is your ability to communicate. You are so clearly gifted and your Mother’s child. Thank you, Jeff.

From Bill B.

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How do I begin?

How do I make sense of an existence that would DESTROY the life and intellect of a strong, humorous and independent woman, who was the Mother of OUR son, Jeff ?An existence that would rob Jeff of the woman that I had known and fallen for, in my younger days.

I suppose to do that I would need to start at the beginning.

We met in the early 70’s when I, a year removed from serving my country, moved to “The City.”I being an “Upstate New Yorker” who had spent a good year and a half in Manhattan before going into the service, knew that I needed to return to New York City if I were ever going to break free of the claustrophobic lifestyle that was Albany, N.Y. I secured a job in the city at a funeral home on west 76th st, and Amsterdam Ave where among my many duties I answered the switchboard directing calls to the various offices.It was there that I met Carole.She lived on the same block as the funeral home and had a friend who also worked there, and she would drop in every so often to visit. It was there that I was introduced to Carole, who had dropped in unannounced, with Guitar in hand and a “Bohemian” look and attitude, began playing and singing folk songs, among them , a Judy Collins song Suzanne. I thought how weird it was that Carole could come to a funeral home and start playing and singing in front of someone that she did not know. I was to learn that it was this aspect of her personality, the weird outgoing take charge person who projected a confidence in herself, that would ultimately draw me into wanting to know her better.In the ensuing months, while getting to know Carole better I would sometimes, try and plumb the depths of her weirdness. On one occasion I was to go to a funeral home outside of Albany and pick up a remains and bring it back for burial. Since I was going by myself, I called Carole and asked if she wanted to take a ride with me upstate, but not informing her of the reason for the trip.Carole knew I had family in Albany, so it was assumed that was the reason. We stopped at my mothers house on the way to the funeral home, but she was not at home, so I left a message that I would be returning with a friend for dinner at which point Carole asked where were we going. I said I had to pick someone up, not mentioning that person was deceased. When we arrived at the funeral home and I picked up our passenger, Carole started to laugh and with a big smile on her face, said if I had told her of my mission beforehand, she probably would not have come, but now that she had, she was ready to meet my mom.Having passed the first hurdle of this trip it was time to meet my mom, a true Irish American of somewhat questionable religious beliefs. When we arrived my mom was surprised to see me with a “live” friend, thinking my note meant only a deceased friend. We had dinner and all seemed to go rather well, and as it was time to hit the road, Carole said her thank you and goodbye, went to the car with my deceased friend to wait, while my mom pulled me aside to ask me a question.I said my farewell and we started down the N.Y. State Thruway, all the while I am trying to figure out how to ask Carole a question that I had never considered asking anyone. I summoned up my courage and asking in as neutral a way as possible, if she was Jewish stating: “not that it mattered to me.”Startled by that question I sensed a cautious defensiveness on her part as she asked me why I would ask. I told her that my mom said she was. Carole then asked how my mom had come to that conclusion and I told her my mom said she had a Jewish nose, which pissed Carole off because anyone who knew her would have characterized her nose as cute and quite becoming. It struck me funny that she was more offended by a comment about her nose than she was about being Jewish.During our period of getting to know each other, I found to my delight that Carole had not only a talent for music, but also the mind of a poet. Her writings were thought provoking and inspired by her experiences within her relations with Family and friends. Carole had issues, as most of us have had, with parents, which resulted with her leaving home and with us living together.As confident as she appeared, there was a side of her that was anxious and insecure.Her mother was not pleased that she was with a Funeral Director wanna be, and so Carole sought out a Dr. at Roosevelt Hospital in Manhattan, to talk away any anxiety she was experiencing.When the Dr. asked Carole about her family life she was quite forthcoming until he asked her if she was in a relationship and if so what did her boyfriend do? She told the Dr. that yes she was in a relationship and her boyfriend was studying to be a Funeral Director, at which point The Dr. asked Carole if she had a death wish. Long story short, Carole not one to suffer fools gladly, excused herself and walked out of his office never to be seen again.Carole in this period of our life would go to little cafes in Manhattan to play guitar and read her poetry, always the bohemian, always the performer. She went back to college and earned her degree, and was a member of an exclusive club called, MENSA the requirement for membership is a score at or above the 98th percentile on intelligence tests such as the Stanford-Binet of 132 and the Cattell test of 148. the average IQ in the U.S. is 100. To say she was a smart cookie would be an understatement.Carole was always interested in music and we would attend as many concerts as we could. One memorable concert was in Tarrytown, where her favorite artist, Judy Collins, was playing.We had made plans to go out to eat and then go to the concert, which was a sold out performance. After the concert she was flying high with the excitement of the evening, and insisted that we wait by the stage door for Judy to exit and possibly get her autograph. We waited about 45 min.As the parking lot emptied, waiting for Judy. Carole had planned what she was going to say but when the time came she was so tongue tied she couldn’t speak, other than to say I’m a fan.As Judy got in her ride back to the city, Carole implored me to keep up with Judy’s ride and stay in the lane next to her on the Bronx River Pkwy, so she could see her, which was probably a little unnerving to Judy.When our son was born that was a day to remember. For at least 2 months, maybe more, we attended Lamaze classes where we were taught how to breathe and relax during the birthing experience. Carole had decided on natural childbirth and that’s what we prepared for. The day came and we get to the Hospital and get ushered into the labor room with a lovely, compassionate Nurse. Carole is in some discomfort, I am holding her hand asking her to breathe the way we had practiced, when she looks at me with a withering look and says…you fuckin’ breathe!The nurse tries to calm Carole down, meanwhile Carole looks at me and says she would like some ice, so I get up to go and get some, when Carole says without looking at the nurse..tell her to f--king get it!At which point the nurse calmly went and got it. When the actual birth took place Carole had a change of heart and had a pelvic block.Life with Carole was a rollercoaster, we had our ups and downs, and eventually as so many young couples do drifted apart, but always aware that our son would be our priority, and to that end we parted ways, with as little rancor as we could muster.Carole was complicated and could be as sweet and generous as anyone, but make no mistake, she could also become a she devil when she felt wronged.The last years of her life were not pleasant, her quality of life was nonexistent, and were marked with periods of clarity, and more often than not, confusion. I know from my life with her, she would not have wanted to live the life she had to endure in this last year.The one great consolation that we had, was that she was never alone as long as Jeff was with her.For that Jeff will always be my hero.It is a bittersweet goodbye to a woman of strength, wit, and intelligence, who never got the chance to fulfill all of her life’s ambitions. However, the one most important to her, was to be that Mother Cougar, and she achieved that.I choose to remember fondly the good times, and not waste a moments thought on anything else.

From Terry G.

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What’s a fond memory or story you have about Carole you’d like to share?

Although Carole’s (Aunt Carole!) time as a member of my extended family wasn’t terribly long, for an amazing 6 month stretch from the fall of 2001 through the end of the winter of 2002, Carole was more than just my Aunt. She was my weekly surrogate mom.Her and Uncle Gil were gracious enough to open their home to me every Tuesday night/Wednesday morning during my Drexel co-op assignment in Farmingdale. She always made sure I ate dinner(always delicious), always made sure I woke up on time the next morning to catch the bus to Mineola, and always made sure I got back to Philly safely. She didn’t have to do any of these things, but her generosity and love for those she cared about were so evident in these acts of kindness.Carole’s quirkyness, zest for life, and ability to hold a conversation with literally anyone have certainly been passed along to Jeff; her light continues to shine brightly through her son.I’m very happy to have known her as long as I did. RIP Aunt Carole.

From Steve K.

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If you could say one more thing to Carole, what would you say?

Carole, a big thank you to you and Terry for raising such a fine young man. I’m lucky to call him my son.

From Maryanne G.

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Describe Carole in 3 words

- Funny
- Smart
- Determined

What’s a fond memory or story you have about Carole you’d like to share?

Where do I begin. I have known Carole since I was 5 yo. Our birthdays were a day apart..mine on the 18th, hers the 19th. She would ALWAYS remind me that I was older than she is. It didn’t matter that it was only a day, I was still older than she. I did use that to my advantage at times, by reminding her, when I wanted to do something and she wanted to do something else, that I am older, wiser and she should respect her elders. This was a running conversation always.We went to camp together, school together even Halloween 🎃and other holidays together in later years. We called ourselves “the West Side Girls, ” because we loved living on West 76th street in Manhattan. We lived on the same street. We both had nerdy big brothers who, I am sure, described us as pesty little sisters. what fun we had annoying them.As with most friendships, we had our ups and downs, but in the end our friendship held up for 61years.There is so much more to say but it would read more like a book that a tribute.In closing though, I have to say that, while she weathered many storms in her life, the toughest was after her accident. Most people would have come away from that, if they survived at all, not being able to do anything. Not Carole….with a lot of very hard work, DETERMINATION, a new found knowledge of Italian (that was funny) and an extra brother and sister (she told the doctors, acts waking from a coma, that she had 2 brothers. Mark (her actual brother) and Steven (My brother) and a sister, Ellen (that would be me.)She defied everyone and got at it enough to actually go back to her beloved West side and live alone and take are of herself.She took great pride in Jeff and even when the road was rocky, loved him with every fiber of her being.So yes, she will be missed by many and always loved by all who knew her. I love you Carole and will always cherish the time we had together. Rest in peace

If you could say one more thing to Carole, what would you say?

I would say... thank goodness we grew up before there was called ID☎. and please pass the red pepper. 🍕

From Ellen M.

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What’s a fond memory or story you have about Carole you’d like to share?

Thank you Jeff for putting this page together & allowing for us to leave our memories of your Mom.I am thrilled that you posted the song Born to The Breed. What you may not know is how that recording you mentioned brought lots of tears to North Shore hospital.Carole was in a Coma for quite a while, so I wanted something that she loved to be present. Jeff told me what her favorite song was, and thru a friend we managed to get Judy Collins to make the recording for Carole. It played nonstop at her bedside. One day, a nurse said to me “That is a beautiful song. Who is singing.” Carole, still in a Coma, mouthed “JUDY.” WOW – what that did to the nurses & I. Then the next day, her coma ended. And there’s a story there, too. Jeff was visiting her while I was in the waiting room. The nurses were putting a picc line in her, and when they stuck her with a needle, Carole screamed “S--T, F--K, P--S!” Jeff came running into the waiting room & said “Mom’s Back!”Of course, her coming out of the coma presented a new problem. She was talking, but only in French & Italian. Together. In the same sentence! They were NOT her native tongues, nor did she hardly ever speak those languages. Fortunately, this was on Long Island, so there were lots of Italians around to translate.

What else would you like to say?

Jeff’s eulogy captured Carole well, but I’d like to add a few things that show how brilliant she was. Jeff mentioned that she was getting her Master’s in Social Work. What he did not mention was that she was going to Fordham on a scholarship from the American Association of University Women. That scholarship was given to only one person a year, and she was selected among hundreds of applicants. But even before going for the MSW, she was providing support to those who needed it. She was honored by the Alzheimers Foundation for her volunteer work there in forming the first support group for Children of Alzheimers’ sufferers. OH – and guess who set up Paul Simon’s home Computer network – Carole! With no formal training in computers. This was all before that tragic day in June of 1998.But while that accident took away much, it did not take away her sense of humor. I’d like to relate a counseling session that her rehab facility recorded. Carole was what they called “high functioning” brain injured. I think what they really meant was “recalcitrant.” THey brought in a specialist in dealing with “difficult” TBI patients from FL to do a session with her. All of the staff at the facility attended – she was interviewed in an auditorium. He wanted to explore her Executive Functions, so he asked Carole how she’d make a cup of instant coffee if she had a guest visit her. Her response was “I would never serve instant coffee to a guest.” He asked her again & she remarked how rude it would be to serve a guest Instant – never answering. Later in the session, he pointed out to the staff that she never moved her left hand. She responded to that saying “you want to know why I didn’t use my left hand?” The Dr said “I think I’m afraid to ask.” She answered “Show Me The Money!” Like Jeff said, she loved to quote movies! He put some change on the table & she picked it up with her left hand.Much Much more – about how when she came into a room, everyone knew she was there, not because she was loud or boisterous, but because she just had that certain charisma that took over a room.

From Gil W.

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